The · Subconscious
use more then 10%, think!
Schizophrenia is a life long illness. The voices were gone for a while, but now they are back, and still claim they are the government. I had such a narley episode last night. I freaked out. After everyone went to bed, heres what I wrote down. Most of the notes are only of them speaking, they indicate when its me. And I'm sure they are hard to understand, being they are all pure thoughts and in thought land u don't really have to finish a sentence to get ur point across. Here goes, more later.
the input is unusually biased
most think were evil.
were actual just people and merciful.
we intoxicate sometimes.
2nd:Obviously, we intoxicate sometimes.
We are ordanence of dead.
Our minds are raped with ecstasy, we shine.
We're innocent people.
Lord have mercy on us.
...we start to dream off...
Lord have mercy on the contraversial.
ME: was that u or me?
I wanted to go to sleep.
They told me they had hardly started.
They are waiting for me to mindlessly talk.
I am so tired.
Marissa was evil of them. They had hardly been trained.
We're video taped.
We wish you would smile.
lets make a toast.
who would u make ur toast to?
to Christian lights.
That is there only scripture.
I'm tired too.
we run from an office.
Thats very impersonal.
Im the only one to reach them.
Ur temporarily smart.
It's all in ur attitude.
We're unrecognized people.
We're phychic people.
We're the worst phychic.
Ecstasy permits school.
We can care.
u can't proove ur message.
that's the point.
that surprised the government.
me: then who are u?
I have a flute.
We're pretty responsive actually.
we're making, a really nice comic book.
Your personal life is conversational.
You don't even realize what u have?
me: what do i have?
a very intense relationship with organized reportings.
ur computer is really important.
its more supposeded notes.
we never did acid.
we're gonna get winded here.
me: talking too much?
you wouldn't believe.
were the meanest doctors in the world (said a bunch of really fucked up phyco words before meanest)
they encourage me posting this on the internet.
Thats all up to you.
We are merciful.
me: merciful to who?
merciful to you leighton.
we need to sit down.
we couldn't believe u recorded all that.
u sing madness.
can't nobody match that.
the government wants to see if i can whisper the song thats playing in my head in the background off all this.
The song is Uncle Cracker- Follow me.
They keep trying to bend my thought voice to whisper.
We're Lauren, Christopher and Taylor.
Girl introdces her self as Lauren and then jokes around about Christopher having a mic all the time or not.
Ask the government.
me: how do i get ahold of them.
its an important topic for anyone involved in this society (CIA floats in background)
we are actually trying to research this particular emotional human being.
We patiently wait at a computer...
2nd voice:this sucks.
me:what are u waiting for?
We outdated our papers.
me:By how long if u dont mind my asking.
Back to Einstien.
We love ur attitude.
It's like calm and cool, its like everything is going well.
Everything is brillant in ur attitude.
we can't answer how.
we're not that smart.
me going into computer graphics is pretty creepy to them.
it's an illusion.
Better word. Second word.
It's how history... It's power.
We sound really cold.
Theres actually no proof.
U scared the shit outta em wtih ur stance.
music has value to the government.
me: because music is a sign of god.
that answer is perfect.
you prooved it.
2nd:Leighton, u prooved it.
U proove is emotional.
We're evil from day one.
emotional on our part.
it stops the wandering.
if i would have responded with the words "thanks" its meaning in response would have been contraversial.
Theres are proof, isn't it scarry?
The proof to know how I feel.
We're gaurenteed art.
Why am I not surprised?
Religions are not...
Ur listening to somebody else.
Me: I'm tired.
For putting the time in, I'm surprised.
If u go to sleep ur missing out on the government, so blantently.
Californias the closest to reality.
we hardly ever see u.
Can u ever keep quiet?
u never stop.
our agreence is merciful.
We're head popular.
Sleeping is the return of think. That's why we like talking to you now.
I spoke emotional.
recording is emotional.
For spirtual conversation.
u have it to jump on to black science.
nobody says anything.
Look how far uve tapped in.
Nobody has tapped in this far.
It's all in ur attitude.
Nobody asked me to stay.
Ur attitude is blind.
more of this type of typing.
me: ahaha no.
that way we dont infringe.
our art is emotional.
its really emotional.
me:im going to bed.
u missed out on the government, the people, ur intrests, we're narley.
Our attach is awesome.
me:thats the worst office joke uve ever made up.
me;anyhow, good night.
rock on, sleep tight.
Well, something weird happened to me today. One thing that normally gets me to thinking the voices aren't human is that they both (male and female) are always there when I try and contact them. But today the girl was pissing me off, plus I favor the male more, and I went searching for the male, and he wasn't there! I searched and searched and he wasn't around. So I fell asleep on my hammock outside, and when I woke up, he was there, I was like, I told them to let u go back to bed. They started laughing or something but the vibe was good. Then I crawled from my hammock and went to bed in my room, now when I woke up, the girl started talking and when I went to hear the male, he's gone again! today much be his day off. Good for him. lol. Odd.
Oh man, my sister bought a hookah. It's so sick. Been smoking banana tobacco outta it. So good. Got 3 hoses. Yay.
Other than that, umm... I work tommorrow. LOL. I met a guy at my work last weekend. Usually I'm really upfront about hearing voices and love telling my life's story. lol. So when he came in my store I layed the bricks on him for about 1/2 an hour. He gave my his number and we've been chattin. He's coming to my store tommorrow before I close and we're gonna chill. Yay. Most ppl aren't accepting of me. I tell them that I hear voices, not that I think it's the CIA or go into any depth as I do here, but I tell them everything I can so that way if we do become good friends, they know what they are getting into.
i need to sleep though, I think im gonna smoke and try and figure out how I can fall asleep, work is so early and I dunno, if I can't I'll be back.
don't hate nothin at all except hatred.
It's easy to see without lookin to far that not much is really sacred.
Just some scattered Bob Dylan lyrics.
Well my days have been alright. I haven't really been hearing the voices. THANK GOD. Although I've learned 27 of the tarrot cards and lost my UK friend over them, at least for now. He told me not to talk to him until I was over the tarrot cards or until I decided not to do them. He feels VERY STONRONGLY AGAINST THEM. sigh. I suppose thats why those quotes are up there. Don't hate nothin but hatred, and not much is really sacred, so why waste petty obsessions on such bullshit?
In the words of Bob Dylan again, all you can really say is, God Bless Him.
and when saying that, he got pissed off! sigh.
While one who sings with his tongue on fire
Gargles in the rat race choir
Bent out of shape from society's pliers
Cares not to come up any higher
But rather get you down in the hole of heezin'.
lalalala. something like that.
Hmm as far as the rest of everything goes. I smoked pot for the first time in almost half a year yesterday. It was great. I wasn't even thinking, everything I was saying was pure thought and nothing, AND I MEAN NOTHING was going on in the dome. Which is VERY unusual for me. But I won't be doing it again any time soon, because u do it all the time and it becomes a very different high. Twice a year sounds good. My therapist won't be happy.
I got some letters from my uncle whose in prision. Mostly Jahovah's witnesses bullshit, but if it works for a man who got 15 years then good for him. So I'll continue to write.
lol wow that took me like forever and a day to get back to this journal entry, I went to the store, got batteries, killed a spider, oh man, forgot what even I was on about lol.
Well I'm gonna end it here and come back in a bit.
Well today I had to wake up at 8:30am after goin to bed arounf 4-4:30am for work. Was alright. The guy I suppose I've been seeing lately hung out with me at work all day since I was the only one there. I dunno I'm not gonna rant about my boy problems, but he's okay. Got a new record (vinyl) from work today, only hip hop vinyl I've ever found there (most of it's all old hippie stuff) and some new clothes, here are some photos.
sorry it is so small, my webcam broke and I took these with my phone, you can't really tell the new butterfly shirt but it is still a kinda kool shot. The weird thing about this shot is, when I was schizophrenic I would trip out on seeing spirits in EVERYTHING. and this photo, if you can see it, in the blanket, shows the faces of what the spirts looked liked to me. It may take you a min. to see them, but it is still intresting, I think there are 2 or 3 in there.
Just so you can see the end of the shirt.
Anyhow I'm really tired, hard day at work, met a new guy I'm getting involved with causing me to have less time, and so on. I've been trying to remote view before bed but keep falling asleep. If I'm up later I'll respond to posts and write more, thanks for listening, sorry so tired lol.
ell I saw my Doc. He prescribed me 30 more xanax (on top of my 70 a month) and some more Lexapro to increase the dosage but I don't take those anyway. They are for anxiety but my sister needs them more then me, so I give them to her. That may not make since to you, but if you saw her some days, you would give her all you could as well.
I learn 22 of 72 I think of the tarrot cards. i've learned all the major arcana.
I met a girl today who was schizophrenic/bi polar. We're going to get together and go to some philosophy meetings or something when I go with my family, she wanted to go, so hey, who am I to deny insight?
I had a dream that I was dressed like a genie, so today I dressed like one. lol. I'm so weird.
Hmm I'll write more in a few hours when I've had some beer in me or something to say...
ol. A little fucked so don't mind. Drank 3 beers and took two vikadens. Not sure what I want to write. Kinda hungry, but no food in the house. Today was alright. Saw a guy I was seeing a bit ago, but he's like the wind, he comes and goes. So it was nice to see him. Got a DJ bag for my vinyl, my friend gave me his old esdjco bag. WOOoT.umm.. I don't remember if I mentioned or not that i go see my doctor tommorrow about my recent anxiety. I also decided to start taking my schitzo pills again. As much as I hate taking them cause I don't know what they do to me, it is better to take them and not hear voices than to not take them and go crazy. Ack. Lets hope I follow through. hang on I'm going to try to have a last conversation with them before they are part of the forgotten again, if it works I'll post the convo, if not i'll be back anyhow.
Well I went and saw my therapist, turns out my appointment was yesterday but she took me for a few mins anyway today. I told her in short what was going on. She told my doctor and I have an appointment tommorrow. She suggested uppin my meds but that turns me into a zombie. So i wonder what they are going to have me do? Sigh. Guess I'll let you know tommorrow.
Anyhow, I went and bought a deck of Tarrot cards today and a book on their meanings. I've already learned 17 cards out of 60something. I also bought an amethyst with a cute little black bag to keep it in. It is supposed to help with healing, claravoyence, meditation, and so on. I think the Tarrot cards is to cure my boredum. Otherwise I get to thinking and start going crazy. Learning 60+ cards and how to use them will keep me busy for a while, plus it is a cool thing to know how to do.
I don't have a lot of time at the moment, just checking in, a friend is coming over in a bit and I gotta clean, I will reply to all posts tonight (hopefully) thanks you all.
|A mix of all playlists ever lol|
ere are some photos I took in China when I was 16. Kinda goes along with the last paragraph of my last journal entry.
Me sitting on the Great Wall of China.
Me coming down the Great Wall of China.
First Buddhist temple in China. I have also been to where buddhism was found in India, although none of those photos are on the web.
View from the first Buddhist temple.
and last but not least, one of the 7 wonders of the world, the Terricotta Warriors.
Hope you enjoyed them.
Well i have to get up in 6 hours to go see my therapist. My sister is going with me. We have to take the bus there. It isn't far, a good 15 min ride, but at least I don't have to make the trip by myself. I'm drinking some wine now to make me tired. At like 6pm or so (Idunno but it was still light out) I fell asleep on the hammock on my patio in the sun, I woke up cold and it was dark out and was going to stay awake but I ended up crawling into bed and woke up at midnight. Opps. lol. So now I'm drinking some wine and I would just take some xanax or something to fall asleep, and I still may, but I do want to be able to get up in the morning and not be like... well we all know the feeling of being too drunk and on something like nightqill and trying to get up. It ain't fun.
Today was easier than yesterday. I met a man outside of the grocery store who had up a booth for petitions on giving more money to the boarder patrol. I signed it. He was really cool though, talked a lot about what it was like bein black here, and I talked about what it was like bein a white DJ in the hip hop scene. I gave him my number since he's new to the area and he couldn't believe I was a virgin. lol. Hmm have I mentioned that yet in here? I am a 20 y/o virgin. Waiting for love, not marriage. Gotta ride it before you buy it, u know lol. But I'm just waiting. Can't give out my soul for free to anyone. And waiting this long it would be a shame to waste that. If I still am at 21, I'm thinking about giving it to a best friend. I haven't decided yet.
Ug, I don't think I can drink this glass of wine. First glass tonight but I don't think I can finish it. I drank a whole bottle yesterday. Think I'm gonna get a glass of water and take the pills I'm supposed to take and a few others. Take my Abilify, xanax, and some pain killers. That should put me out. Cause I have to make it tommorrow, not only do I actually have a use for her after a year, but I missed the last appointment, and I'm usually pretty good about going. Only thing I hate is she thinks I don't leave my house enough (cause I'm not gonna tell her I'm going to raves or at kick backs drinkin beer) so after our session she likes me to go to group. Where belive it or not, I am normal there! Yah I suppose that makes for a good ego boost once in a while, but I can't be around ppl who... well... I just can't deal with that. There is one cool guy, he is missing a leg. I really like him. Not sure if he has "problems" or if it is just his leg. I don't care, he's cool...
I NEED TO REMOTE VIEW. I have been slacking so bad. I think it is because the voices have been, well bothering me. My dad said it is alright to take a break.
You think hearing God would give me hope, the voices asked me that today. Didn't that give you hope? But when you can't rethink the thoughts that were thought to you but not thought. It makes things really, sigh, really hard. I don't think hearing God makes life easier. Look at the bible, not comparing myself to any of them in anyway, but none of their lives were peaches and cream. They heard God, but they paid for it. Gee thanks.
Hmm.. what else? hang on gonna take my night night pills. Well took one Abilify, which I am supposed to take every night, it is supposed to stop the voices and I haven't been taking it lately, it's a major traquilizer (so they think), although I have only missed 3 months in over a year, so it is not that bad. I took 3 xanax, that alone should knock me out, and two over the counter pain pills.
I've been looking into groups in my town to meet up with who share the same intrests as me. http://www.meetup.com
holds many groups. I think if I can spread my story with a few individuals I could inspire people. I hold a lot of secrets. Like being a virgin, I honestly think it dates back to when I was 10 years old, in Egypt at this temple. I remember thinking to myself I wanted to remain a virgin until it was perfect. I don't know where this thought came from. Looking back on it. It doesn't feel as if it were my actual thought. Looking back, it felt more like the thoughts of God. Or me being a vegetarian my entire life, I decided this before I could comprehend, it wasn't my choice, no one in my family is, so who decided this for me? A past life possibly? I still to this day have never had a hamburger, a steak, or many others. Going to India gave me the faith to live everyday happy. At least, I think that is why I try to be so strong. My tour guide told me that the reason the people of India smile everyday is because they believe if they smile everyday and create good energy that they will go somewhere in the end, may it be rencarnation, that will be 10 times happier then their mind. Just a few things that make me, me. If you have any questions, let me know.
sigh... I just talked with my friend from the UK on the phone for 40 mins. Told him about what I have been going through. he just doesn't understand. I told him at the end of the conversation that I loved him and he just hung up. I think that's why I keep so much to myself. I know he worries about me and all but things like that really hurt me. I don't know why I even try to open up. People really just prefer when you put on a happy face. You may be hurting yourself more in the long run, but people in general can't handle my truth. So ive sucked down a good 11-14 pills today and I'll prolly take 2 more in a few mins and hopefully fall asleep. I don't want to deal with this. I don't mean for this to be depressing and I'm sorry if it comes off that way. i hate reading peoples depressing journal entries. So i wont make this one long. I wish I didn't hear voices, i wish I didn't have to take it out on pill control, I wish I had someone to talk to who wouldn't hold it against me, I wish I were loved for being me, hearing god has to be the hardest thing ever. It's almost better not to hear him. with hearing god comes suffering. I believe in the bible one of the traits of the holy spirit is suffering. My face feels like I'm going to hyperventalate again, i need to take some xanax and go to bed. I'm not feeling well. Sorry for this entry once again.
|Pink Floyd- another brick in the wall|